Today is two days before my 46th birthday. As I look back on this most recent turn around the sun I find myself contemplating what I thought my life would be at this point. It’s funny because I don’t know that I had a specific idea or vision for where I’d be when I tipped over the middle of my forties.
I know I thought I’d have children. This is probably the hardest thing for me to reconcile. I am, in general, happy with my life and what I’ve done with it, it’s just that I had always pictured at least one child in my life and I’m beginning to accept that that will never happen now. It’s bittersweet, I try to count the things that are easier because it never happened, and know that I have had opportunities and experiences that I wouldn’t have had because of it. The reality is we just don’t have the resources to pour into what would, at this point be a fairly expensive fertility journey. We’re still struggling to get on our feet post cancer (god it takes years to pay down the debts incurred by trying to stay alive), we’re both working again and we both NEED to work to keep moving forward. If I had to take time down due to a complication it would tank us financially right now and for the next few years, that’s where we are at. So I’m reconciling and working through it and counting myself lucky for every human who’s life I get to be a part of. I have a brilliant goddaughter and some wonderful nieces and nephews, I am lucky to spend time with.
We made some amazing strides this year in Cyndi’s recovery. She’s back teaching and working and is the curriculum director at the school now. We’re both teaching pretty regularly. I realize that I have this kind of impatience with her recovery. I can remember what we were like, pre-cancer, and there are days when I long for that naive confidence in our bodies and abilities we had. She makes a jump, something improves a fraction more and I want to grab at the end and pull it close, as if we aren’t running a marathon of indeterminate length. It’s funny, when the impatience flares up, I realize how far we’ve come. So much better than we expected, I try to stay grateful for what we have rather than sad at what we’ve had to let go of.
Work is mostly good, it’s shifting, our businesses are growing, we’re both seeing our massage practices starting to flourish again. I stepped down/phased out of my office gig (I’m just covering occasional events there now) with gratitude that it was there to catch us when we needed it and gratitude for the people I know because of it but also acknowledging that it is no longer a fit for our life as I am no longer a fit for the situation. We’re putting trust in the universe and hustle in everything. I re-opened my doula practice this month and am interviewing with clients. I feel deeply that one of my purposes for existing is to support people as they go through the transition from pregnant to parent. I love doing it and am deeply honored when I am chosen to support a family.
Check out my updated doula site: www.MoonCycleArts.com – Holistic Bodywork & Doula Support
Not being in the office gig (which also means not commuting across town 3 days a week) has opened up a ton of time for projects I’ve been putting off. Weirdly, I feel more busy than I did when I had a more structured schedule. I’m out of practice with this whole “being responsible for what I do with ALL of my own time” thing. I have to look back and resurrect some of my old tools for time management like cutting screen time to nothing and busting out my paper journal and calendar to avoid the distraction of the interwebs… On the upside, I’ve managed to get a project that’s been percolating for a while up and running in it’s beta stage which is exciting. More about that soon, I promise. It’s a great platform to support our home based businesses growth and I’m thrilled to finally see it starting to take shape, I can’t wait to share it with everyone!
The homestead took some hard hits over the last couple of years. We’re down to two chickens, my battles with the raccoons have been lost many days so I’m going back to the drawing board to try to keep my garden and chickens safe. Between the raccoons and opossums the raised beds have been ravaged and are currently simply holding compost. I have managed to keep a few fruit trees alive, our white fig has nearly a dozen fruits on it, and our apple has one offering. The plum is beautifully leafed out but the apricot, which we nearly lost, is just starting to recover. It will probably be another year before we see anything there. I’ve been working on a design to cage in the whole garden and expand the chicken run. Guess who’s going to learn how to pour concrete soon?! I’m scrounging for materials, I need a whole lot more 2x4s and a gangload of fencing (chicken wire/horse fencing/welded wire, whatever showed up) before I can start the project. As with most of the homestead projects, we have agreed to keep the costs as low as possible since we don’t own the space so building materials are generally, mostly found. Frankly, time to map it out is helpful since it means less mistakes/learning curve issues when I go to execute it. I’m just ready for it to be done. I want fresh tomatoes I can pick in the yard and can for my own sauce.
This coming year I plan on another dozen chickens and a couple of aquaponics set ups. The first aquaponics set up will be a filter for our pond on the porch but I want a bigger one to raise fish we can eat in (if cyndi and I can ever agree on a fish we both like… tilapia are NOT her favorite, nor trout, or basically most whitefish. Salmon, she likes salmon, now if we didn’t live in the desert I could do that for her, they just don’t like hot weather…. ugh…) I may add some crayfish or other shellfish to the mix. We’ll see how it evolves. I’m excited for the journey.
I foresee a lot of homestead work days in my future… and lettuce, yummy lettuce that isn’t in a bag that goes slimy by the time you bring it home. YAY! I also foresee days spent with friends building things which I love.
I’m also looking forward to having the time, energy and mental bandwidth to cook again. I’ve been so busy the last year or so, what with picking up work wherever I can, building my practice and businesses that it’s honestly been a struggle to cook like I like to, I’m so tired of not eating the way we prefer to I could scream, so yeah, cooking. Photos and recipes to follow.
I read not that long ago, that 1 in 50 people are living to over 100 years of age these days. It made me realize, you never know what’s going to happen and I have so much more living to do, so much more joy and love to share. At the end of the day, my life is full of love and beauty. That’s really the best I could ask for out of life.
Much love to you all,
– Sabrina, The Kitchen Witch