I did something yesterday. Something I rarely do. I’m coming off a few months of a crazy schedule with work and class writing/teaching where I’ve been getting up at 5:30am after going to bed at 1am and working in between, pushing, pushing, pushing to get everything done on the deadlines I had to fulfill and still be present to the learning process my students were going through. It’s been rough and part of me feels like I’ve “been through the wars”, I let go of cooking, and eating well, I stopped exercising, devoting all my will and capacity to getting this project done. So yesterday, the first day where I didn’t HAVE to be anywhere or do ANYTHING I slept until 11 am (a feat for me these days) and then laid on the couch, nearly all day in a stunned stillness, watching videos online and just being… quiet.
In some part this is an exhausted collapse, for sure. And the past few months have been…. hard. I accepted the project but felt, in the throes of it all that I probably over committed and there was no way to back out now. Everything that I juggle to keep our life moving, all the relationships that I work to cultivate and keep myself mentally and emotionally well have been pushed to the side to meet my deadlines. That’s not usually how I work, not anymore anyway. I guess, in some ways, this was a chance to dip my toes into my old way of being and remember why it doesn’t work for me anymore.
For me to be well, I need rest, and time, time to read, time to focus and work on the things that are important to me. Time to cook good food and digest it well. Time to talk to the people I love and hold them close while we share the things we dream of. I really am a different person post cancer. My priorities have really changed. The previously unquestioned virtue of being “busy” or “on deadline” chafe and leave me raw and irritable. I mean, I got All The Things done, but at what cost?
So now I’m resting and contemplating, writing in my journal, making lists on my white board to get all the things I pushed to the side out of my head and back into focus. I dropped so many of the plates I’ve been juggling in the mad push to Get This Thing Done. So now I’m gluing them together and holding them up to the light again.
I have some wonderful projects in the works that I’m really looking forward to getting moving on again so keep an eye out for some of the amazing collaborative work I’m tackling with some incredible women who have brilliant things to share. More to come shortly!
In the mean time, I’m taking it slow again today. I spent time in my yard, talking to my chickens and plants, telling my little apple and lemon trees how much I adore the tiny little fruits they are growing… it feels incredible and my body feels weighted, like moving through molasses or like the muffled feeling of that first day you can move after being long sick. Slightly wobbly, but good. I’ll start reaching out to my loved ones again shortly, my brain can handle limited input right now and the conversation with the chickens was just my speed. I look forward to connecting with you when I feel a little more resourced. While we wait for that, here’s a photo of a blueberry/raspberry cobbler I made in the middle of the night the other night to feed a craving…